Top Ten Likes and Dislikes!

Likes The things that make life under the tyranny of evil just a little more bearable.		Dislikes The Complete Guide To The Ten Greatest Evils Of Our Declining World.
1	FRIENDS And I don't mean the TV series, real friends are great, I don't mean those gits that take the piss out of you or anyone else when you are not around. I mean the kind of friends who are happy to drop everything and come down the pub for a bear and a couple of games a pool after you have had a tough day at work. As a general benchmark your real friends are the people your prepared to lend money to.	10	MAGAZINE INSERTS You go down to the newsagents and buy your all time favourite magazine, you take three steps towards the counter and half a rain forest's worth of 'join our book club' drops out of the bottom of the magazine, what do you do? It's not like you actually want this stuff is it! Can you just leave it there? I think not, you have two assistance, five customers and someone's dog watching you stoop down and carefully pick up a load of junk you don't even want!
2	CARTER God Bless Carter USM, God Bless Jimbob, Fruitbat, Wez, Steve, Simon and Salv. There is nothing better than a great Carter gig. They are even great people as well, there was me desperately debugging SWIV 3D last summer when I get an email from Saint Lez telling me I'm on the guest list for a gig that evening in the very city I was in. Carter are so good I can even forgive there THIN WEB PAGE!	9	MAGAZINE ADVERTS Ok, you finally get your favourite magazine home after enough embarrassment as discovering after a shower that someone has nabbed the bathroom curtains and your being inquisitively watched by some old granny across the road. You look at the cover and see an article you want to read, so you turn to the contents page. After flicking through thirty adverts you find the contents page about a third of the way through the magazine, at last you have the page number of the article! It doesn't help though, the gits who put the adverts in have completely failed to maintain any kind of sequential page numbering with just about every advert having its own page numbers. So whilst looking for page 273 your confronted with a range of page number randomly changing between one and five.
3	CAFFEINE Ahh, lovely caffeine, nothing like a good dose of caffeine in the morning to get you blood-shot eyed and bush tailed. The really great thing about caffeine is all the great ways to have it, tea, chocolate, little white pills and of course the beautiful coffee. Ahh.	8	'NICE' DRIVERS Imagine the scene, I'm stuck in the mother of all traffic jams whilst driving to work. There is a side road with a queue of waiting cars trying to get out, being the nice guy I am I let one of them out, big mistake. Because you let them out they feel the need to show they are grateful and they are also are nice people, and how do they do this? At the next side road they stop and let the entire population of a medium sized town out including four tractors and a minibus! Gratitude my ARSE! If I new you were going to do that I wouldn't have let you out in the first place!
4	PAY DAY Pay-day, we love you pay day, your always a month away. Pay-day is great! just like Christmas and birthdays but it comes every month! twelve days every year when all financial hassles disappear and the world once more looks rosy and nice.The only down side of pay-day is of course the revenge of the evil tax, mortgage, car loan, credit card bill, student loan and the host of other bills that come to darken our door steps a few days later. We love you anyway pay-day! "Pay-day oh pay-day we love you dear pay-day, your only a month away "	7	ROMANTIC COMEDIES Why? I get home after a hard days work and sit down to see what's on the television, what am I faced with? 50 channels full of Romantic ruddy Comedies! Its not like these things are funny. I'm not saying that its impossible to make good Romantic Comedies, its just that if good ones do exist they never show them on my TV, just hours of crud with about as much entertainment value as an empty paper bag. Am I the only person in the world who can fall in love without tripping over / falling off something or having to meet my love in some obscure environment in a manner less likely than an infomercial actually selling something to me.
5	COKE Ahh coke, full of lovely sugar and caffeine, why is it that the makers of 'other' coke like products have failed to realise why they don't sell as well. Take a long drink of cool coke on a hot day and feel the caffeine warming your throat on the way down, GREAT! And to think that some of there opposition actually advertise a lower caffeine content.	6	SLOW FAST-LANE DRIVERS It's and old favourite and I'm damned well going to say it again, why the heck to people still insist on pulling into the fast lane while going twenty smeging miles per hour. Its not funny and its not clever. I don't care that your over taking someone on a slower lane, your still only going one mile an hour faster than them and i'm late for work!
6	FRANK HERBERT & ISAAC ASIMOV Two of the best science fiction writers of all time. What is really great about these writers is they use science fiction as a way of creating vast and interesting worlds and environments in which to explore the depths and verity present within the human soul. This is what science fiction is all about, not a continuos space battle or some poncy cyborg coming back from the future to help some old granny across the road, pants I tell your its all pants! Great authors, great people, pity they are dead really.	5	THIN WEB PAGES Now there are very few things worse on the web than poncy web sites who think its style to put the entire content of a web site in thin column down the middle of the page. What the heck did I get this hi res monitor for in the first place? If I wanted my browser to be a thin window I would size it like that myself, I do not expect half of may hard earned dosh that I spent on my monitor to be wasted with your so called sense of style filling the half the screen with white or some revolting colour! Stupidly bordered web pages are almost as bad as ..
7	COMPUTERS Ahh, he's a computer geek I hear you cry. No! Computer are wonderful, wonderful machines when your a programmer. Millions of desktop devices around the world to be enslaved and dominated by my carefully crafted code. I guess you think it was funny letting loads of people out at that junction on the way to work! But no, when you get to work and find the computer has deleted half your work, that was one us! Ahh, Sweat revenge!	4	HORIZONTAL SCROLL BARS When your surfing around the web why do you always find pages with horizontal flippin scroll bars! What the heck is the point of html if you use preformatted text or a six foot wide image so I have to move my mouse from its nice, comfortable, NORMAL position of moving a vertical scroll bar to the bottom of the screen in order to see the page, just because YOU don't know how to format HTML properly. If I had a 640x480 screen I might have some understanding but my monitor is 1024x768, how big is your monitor?
8	MULTI-PLAYER GAMES Great invention, its what computer networks were made for. Get a computer network and some great multi-player games like DOOM, QUAKE, RED-ALERT or CARMAGEDON (ops I forgot, you lot can't get that yet!). Then get all your mates on and trash them time and time again! GREAT! You can kill, maim and mutilate your friends at will without any of those nasty legal hassles you get in reality.	3	SPAM There is nothing on the net that more deserves hatred than SPAM! Spam is Email or Newsgroup postings that you get forced to look at because some stupid company told another stupid company that the internet was a great way to get cheap advertising. The other week I even got a slice of Spam in my mail box advertising a special program that would allow me to generate my own Spam. Great way to spend a Saturday, get up, have some breakfast, go to town, come home and piss off 2 billion people! "I must not fear Spam, Spam is the mind killer, Spam is the little death that brings total oblivion ..."
9	TELEPORTATION Teleportation is great, Teleportation allows me to get to work in the morning without me spending hours in traffic jams. Teleportation saves me loads of money in petrol every month in not having to use my car as well as allowing me to work late and still get home before the pub's close. Its great, its supper GOD BLESS the man who created Teleportation and made all these things possible. Hang on, damn it doesn't exist yet, sheash, snap out of it James!	2	INFOMERCIALS What are they? they are those poncy long adverts that try to look like chat shows or something, what the heck? Like we are really going to sit there and think "my! look its some classy new chat show telling us how great some new product is, I must rush out and buy one!" as if!
10	AIR CONDITIONING Why do I like air conditioning I hear you ask? Simple, because we haven't got any in this ruddy office! We have 21 monitors connected to almost as many computer in the little area of my companies office I work in, all of them working together against me as a whole stack of little demon heaters. Conspiracy I tell you! they are all out to get me! NO, THE HEAT, I CANT STAND THE HEAT. Come back little air conditioning units that came to late last year, all is forgiven, I've saved the best spot for you.	1	SANITARY TOWEL ADVERTS Targeted marketing my arse! Halfway through an episode of the Simpson's, what do you get? a sanitary towel advert! and what follows that, another ruddy sanity towel advert. Sanitary towel adverts are by far the greatest evil that afflicts our society! If banned we would have no more earth quakes, no more IRA, no more famine,road rage the works! I'm sure of it.